Couples I work with often want to include their children in their wedding ceremonies. These ceremonies become both a celebration of the love and commitment of the couple, and a wish to recognize and honor the new family being formalized with the marriage of the adults. The family configurations are as varied as the individuals being married – sometimes one or both of the couple have children from previous relationships, sometimes they have started their family together before marrying, sometimes the children are infants, sometimes they are adults, or anywhere in between.
Each of these situations requires thought and sensitivity to decide if, when and how to include the children in the ceremony. Some couples opt to keep the wedding ceremony exclusively focused on their relationship, love and the commitment they are making to each other in marriage. In this case, children are treated like any other guest and are not mentioned in the ceremony.
Other couples take a blended approach, possibly mentioning the family in the ceremony’s opening, but then focusing on the couple through the exchange of vows and rings. Then they may opt to have a family ritual that brings the children (of any age) into the ceremony as we focus on them returning to their community of family and friends as a married couple. Children may be part of the wedding party or offer a reading as well.
And finally some couples see the wedding as an opportunity to equally celebrate as a couple and a family. Here we see children in the wedding party, vignettes of family life being shared as well as stories of the couple, and children participating in readings, rituals, songs, family vows, and/or whatever else the couple wishes.
In any family situation, and regardless of the ages of the children, it is important to talk to the children to find out how involved they want to be. Be sensitive to their feelings regarding other parents in their lives, and generally avoid having them voice support for your new relationship if they are not the children of both people being married. Having young children participate passively is often best, with the parents making promises to them, giving gifts, or possibly participating silently in a family ritual. Weddings are happy occasions and it’s important to stay within the comfort zone of any children so they can participate comfortably in the whole wedding day.