When you think about personalizing your wedding party, think beyond plaid bow ties for the men and neckline choices for the women. Think about the people most important in your lives. Think about who you want standing at your side at this very significant moment in your lives. Think beyond the traditional choices for your wedding attendants.
I use the word attendants because it is gender and age neutral. You can have “bridesmen” and “groomswomen”, or “men of honor” and “best women”. But attendants and honor attendants are terms that are more general and provide you with all kinds of flexibility.
I’ve had mature brides invite their 50-something sisters to be their honor attendant. I’ve had groom’s fathers stand as their best man. And gender bending wedding parties are becoming more common with at least a few each season. Sometimes the bride has one sibling – a brother, or the groom only a sister, and those are the people they want standing at their elbow when they say their vows.
If one of your best friends happens to be opposite your gender, please don’t leave them out of your wedding party because they happen to wear pants or a skirt. Fashion choices can be handled in a variety of ways that allow your wedding party to look coordinated and fabulous in pictures, so don’t let that prevent you from asking them to stand with you. Bridal salons and formal wear shops can help with suggestions, or ask the individual standing up with you what they would prefer. I’ve seen male attendants for the bride in tuxes that both match and in contrast with the groom’s attendants. And I’ve seen female attendants for the groom in the same dress as the bride’s attendants, but in black to match the groom’s attendants suits. That’s just one solution that works.
A few years back one couple I married had their two grandmothers act as their “flower girls”, tossing flower petals down the aisle in front of the bride. It was a special moment for both the couple and for the grandmothers who shared special relationships with the bride and groom.
And finally, don’t feel that you must have the same number of attendants. Again, it’s much more important for you to have people you are close to, comfortable with, and with whom you have a strong connection in your wedding party. Processionals, pictures, reception dances and head tables can all accommodate differing numbers of attendants with a little thought and creativity. Ask yourselves if you’re likely to have a relationship with each person in your party in 10 or 20 years. If the answer is no, then think twice about inviting them to be in your wedding party.
Same sex couples do the best job I’ve seen of moving beyond traditional perceptions of wedding party rules. Maybe because they don’t have hundreds of years of wedding tradition to be limited by. But everyone can learn something from these couples who commonly break gender and number traditions. Surround yourselves with the important people in your world and it will add to the significance and special memories of your wedding day.