One of the most emotionally difficult decisions I see couples dealing with as we plan their wedding ceremony is how to acknowledge parents who are deceased. While your wedding ceremony is a happy time, it is understandably sad if a beloved parent is not able to share it with you. There are a number of options available as you decide how to merge these disparate emotions and still maintain the overall joy of your wedding day, and only you can decide which is the right path for you.
If it is the bride’s father who has passed, often the first question to come up is who will be walking her down the aisle. Because of the tradition and emotion surrounding this special moment as a dad and daughter enter the ceremony space, this is an especially tricky situation. Traditionally an uncle, grandfather or brother assumes the parental role, and those are all still fine options. But I encourage any bride in this situation to ask herself, “Who is the most significant mentor/parental figure in my life?” That is the person you should consider asking to escort you into your wedding ceremony. That could be your mom, grandmother, stepfather, sister, or a non-related person in your life. Choosing to have a custom ceremony means you get to choose what is meaningful for you, regardless of tradition or “rules”. So, while you will certainly miss your dad on this important day, I encourage you to feel the love and support of these other important people in your world.
Beyond the processional choice, there are other ways to remember loved ones in your ceremony. You can acknowledge their absence near the beginning of the ceremony with words, with a picture(s) on a table at the front or back of the ceremony space, with a memorial floral arrangement (if outdoors) or a memorial candle lighting (if indoors). You can include an appropriate favorite saying or reading if they had one, and attribute it to them. Some couples even choose to have a flower placed on the chair they would have occupied during the ceremony.
One word of caution with any overt references – be conscious of not only your feelings, but also those of your remaining parent and close family members. You don’t want people getting distraught and missing the rest of your ceremony because they are focused on their recent or still painful loss.
If you are looking for a more personal way to feel close to your deceased parent, consider wearing their watch or bracelet, carrying one of their handkerchiefs or a charm with their picture in it. These tokens will keep them close in your thoughts without overtly sharing your feelings with others.
And finally, if you are having a ceremony program, a note on the back remembering family members not able to share in your happy day is always a thoughtful touch. No matter what remembrance you choose to include in your ceremony, or if you choose none at all, you can be certain that your loved one would wish you only happiness on your wedding day and throughout your marriage. Wrap yourselves in the love they had for you, and begin your marriage holding them close in your heart.