children in weddings

Including Children in Your Ceremony

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Including children in your ceremony is a lovely idea, but must be done with care. Your children from a previous relationship become part of a new blended family when you marry. While you are excited and positive about this new phase of your life, they may have very mixed feelings.

Depending on the situation, your children may view your fiance(e) as an interloper. They may feel that your attention is now divided, and they may be resentful. Maybe they haven’t had enough time to really know this new person yet. They may feel loyalty to their other parent.

If your new fiance(e) also has children, the situation is more complex. In addition to becoming acquainted with a new step-parent to be, they will need to build relationships with new step-siblings. Simple things like sharing rooms, and having more activity and people around the house can create stress.

Understanding your children’s feelings about your upcoming marriage is critical when planning your wedding ceremony. Plan to have a chat with them about it during a quiet, private time. Ask about their feelings. Ask about their concerns. Don’t try to “fix” their feelings, but understand and accept them. It’s helpful to give your children options regarding their level of involvement in the ceremony.

Perhaps they would be most comfortable simply sitting with grandparents. Maybe they want to hand out programs to guests as they enter the ceremony space. They might be interested in walking you down the aisle. And maybe they even want to participate in some kind of family ritual during the ceremony.

Family Sand

All of these are options. Notice, however, that none of them involve the children speaking during the ceremony. Especially if the children are teenagers or younger, I recommend not asking them to speak. You can make promises to them if you wish. Perhaps they want to join in a family sand blending ritual. Or maybe they even want to stand up as a junior bridesmaid or groomsman. But having a child speak in front of your guests can be very stressful for them. They may be experiencing conflicting or uncertain emotions at the actual ceremony. Allow them the space they need to process the significance of your marriage.

If they are interested in participating, including children in your ceremony can provide memorable moments and great photos. But you’ll want to avoid trauma and stress if your children aren’t interested in joining in. You’ll have lots of time after the wedding day for your children to become more comfortable with the situation. Keep their thoughts and concerns front of mind while planning your special day.

Wedding Roles for Children

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Wedding roles for children are varied, but it’s important to select the role that fits the child or children. Traditional role for children are as flower girl and ring bearer, but you’re really only limited by your creativity and the children themselves.

For those selecting the traditional roles, consider your child’s age and temperament. Children younger than four often balk at the last minute. You’ll want to have a parent or caregiver with the child at the back of the aisle in case they need to be whisked away. Another friendly face at the front of the ceremony space can help a shy or overwhelmed child make it down the aisle to the safety of those loving arms. The key word if you’re going to have very young children in your processional is flexibility. Not theirs, but yours. As long as you understand that everything may not live up to your vision of perfectly spread flower petals on the aisle, little ones can be adorable and may even steal the show.

Beyond the traditional roles, older children can offer a simple reading, or hand out ceremony programs, or participate in a family unity ritual. It’s fine for you to make promises/vows to your children in a blended family situation, but I suggest you don’t ask the children to speak unless they really want to. It’s important to be respectful of conflicted feelings the children may have as this new family unit is formed.

Adult children may walk you down the aisle, stand with you as best man or maid of honor, offer a reading or participate in a family unity ritual. Even as adults, they may have complicated feelings about your marriage, so make sure you speak with them ahead of time and let them set the level of involvement that is right for them.

Wedding roles for children should always take their personalities and preferences into account. You want your ceremony to be a happy time where everyone is comfortable and able to celebrate with you.

Three Follow-up Stories

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Three follow-up stories are needed to provide updates to previous blog posts based on recent experiences. Experience always speaks louder than words, so allow me to share a few recent experiences that re-enforce my thoughts on some wedding related topics.

First, on the topic of early and late season outdoor weddings. Fall came quickly to Minnesota this year. Within a two week period I presided at a 90 degree, humid mid-September ceremony and two very chilly, blustery even, late September weddings. If you are planning a “shoulder season” wedding, I encourage you to let your guests know that an outdoor ceremony is planned so they can dress appropriately. You might also consider providing blankets for your guests, if possible. There were quite a few lightly dressed, shivering guests at the late September weddings.

Next, on the topic of rehearsals – I’m a fan of them, but realize that ceremonies are not rocket science. I’ve had a few recent ceremonies where the couple opted to go without a rehearsal that I ran. These experiences reminded me of all the little things that are covered at rehearsals – what time to gather to prep for the processional, how the men should offer their arm to the women in the wedding party, a reminder to keep hands out of pockets when walking into the ceremony space, and the fine details of where people will stand and how we will move during the ceremony. Both ceremonies were lovely, but could have been a bit more polished with a rehearsal.

The last of the three follow-up stories is about children in the wedding party. Recent ceremonies planned to include children; a four year old flower girl in one, and two sign bearers, approximately age three, in the second. The flower girl had practiced walking up the aisle, was going to be following one of her uncles, and had even read a story about a flower girl with her parents before the big day. Everything seemed set for success until the moment when she was to walk up the aisle with many strangers sitting in the chairs. She balked, and her mother whisked her away. As the ceremony began they quietly took chairs and enjoyed the ceremony. In the second ceremony one of the sign bearers broke down, too, and entered the ceremony in his mother’s arms (she was a bridesmaid, so that was fine). At the front, however, he couldn’t deal with letting her join the rest of the wedding party, and a family member quickly removed him from the space altogether. These experiences remind us that the little people really do get to do as they wish, and we need to be ready to react. With plans made ahead of time, both the ceremonies continued without a problem, and the children’s needs were met, too.

As these three follow-up stories demonstrate, planning all aspects of your wedding day really pays off. Your guests are more comfortable, your wedding party is confident, and the children in your wedding party are cared for. Wedding planning is a big, complex job, but pays off when your day arrives and flows smoothly.