Blended family

Including Children in Your Ceremony

 in Blended family / Wedding Ceremony / Wedding planning / Weddings  tagged blended family / children in weddings / wedding ceremony / weddings by

Including children in your ceremony is a lovely idea, but must be done with care. Your children from a previous relationship become part of a new blended family when you marry. While you are excited and positive about this new phase of your life, they may have very mixed feelings.

Depending on the situation, your children may view your fiance(e) as an interloper. They may feel that your attention is now divided, and they may be resentful. Maybe they haven’t had enough time to really know this new person yet. They may feel loyalty to their other parent.

If your new fiance(e) also has children, the situation is more complex. In addition to becoming acquainted with a new step-parent to be, they will need to build relationships with new step-siblings. Simple things like sharing rooms, and having more activity and people around the house can create stress.

Understanding your children’s feelings about your upcoming marriage is critical when planning your wedding ceremony. Plan to have a chat with them about it during a quiet, private time. Ask about their feelings. Ask about their concerns. Don’t try to “fix” their feelings, but understand and accept them. It’s helpful to give your children options regarding their level of involvement in the ceremony.

Perhaps they would be most comfortable simply sitting with grandparents. Maybe they want to hand out programs to guests as they enter the ceremony space. They might be interested in walking you down the aisle. And maybe they even want to participate in some kind of family ritual during the ceremony.

Family Sand

All of these are options. Notice, however, that none of them involve the children speaking during the ceremony. Especially if the children are teenagers or younger, I recommend not asking them to speak. You can make promises to them if you wish. Perhaps they want to join in a family sand blending ritual. Or maybe they even want to stand up as a junior bridesmaid or groomsman. But having a child speak in front of your guests can be very stressful for them. They may be experiencing conflicting or uncertain emotions at the actual ceremony. Allow them the space they need to process the significance of your marriage.

If they are interested in participating, including children in your ceremony can provide memorable moments and great photos. But you’ll want to avoid trauma and stress if your children aren’t interested in joining in. You’ll have lots of time after the wedding day for your children to become more comfortable with the situation. Keep their thoughts and concerns front of mind while planning your special day.

Customizing Family Rituals

 in Blended family / Inclusive ceremony / Personalized Ceremony / Rituals / Wedding Ceremony / Weddings  tagged family rituals / personalized rituals / wedding ceremony / wedding rituals by

Customizing family rituals is a creative way to personalize your wedding ceremony. Allowing your personalities shine during your ceremony makes it more interesting. While wedding rituals like blending sand or handfasting can enhance a ceremony, extending them to include your family make them truly memorable.

Sand blending, where the couple pour two different colors of sand into a vessel, has been around since outdoor ceremonies became popular. The ritual represents the blending of two lives in marriage. It has been extended to become a popular ritual for families with children where the couple and each of their children blend colored sand representing themselves into a common vessel representing the new blended family.

I recently saw a new version of this ritual where rather than blending all the different colors, everyone took turns pouring their own color. The resulting layers created a striped effect, which was even more significant when the colors of the Pride flag were used for a same sex couple and their children. The symbolism is a little different, with everyone retaining their individuality (or stripe) while joining together in a single vessel (the new family unit).

Rainbow Ribbons for a Handfasting ritual.

The sand blending ritual is perfect for a family with younger children. If you have adult children, you might consider enhancing the handfasting ritual to represent both the couple and the new, blended family created by their union. I recently wrote this ritual with the adult family members stepping forward to demonstrate their support for their newly married parents, and recognizing their part in the newly blended family. Each adult child brings forward a ribbon which are placed over the parents’ joined hands. The ribbons represent both a wish for the couple, and a coordinated wish for the new family. For example, one ribbon may represent a wish for growing love for the couple and growing connection among all the family members. At the end of the ritual all the ribbons are tied together, as the new family is joined together through their parents’ marriage.

Customizing family rituals in these and similar ways takes a little creativity and thought, but is not difficult to do. Including modified rituals allows them to integrate fully in the ceremony and include all members of a newly blended family. As with many aspects of your wedding ceremony, customizing rituals provides one more way to let your personalities and your new family shine.

Honoring New Families at Weddings

 in Blended family / Ceremony / Wedding Ceremony  tagged blended family / ceremony / ceremony readings / handfasting / sand ceremony / wedding / wedding ceremony / weddings with children by

Honoring new families at weddings extends the significance of the wedding ceremony beyond the couple. Opportunities to include family elements in your ceremony arise when there are children from this or previous relationships. The ways of honoring new families will vary depending on the ages of the children and on their interest in participating.

Often children of any age will be included in the wedding party. Perhaps as bridemaids, groomsmen, junior attendants or flower girls or ring bearers. It is important to understand the children’s interest in participating in this way. Even adult children may have unresolved feelings due to their parents’ divorce. No one should ever be placed in an uncomfortable public position during a wedding.

There are other ways to include your children in your ceremony that are more personal. Again, the age of the children will define appropriate options, but here are a few to consider:

For young children, there is a book called “Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You” by Nancy Tillman. This story can be offered as the reading during the ceremony. It assures the children that the couple will love them always. I’ve had a couple present a copy of the book to their daughters to follow along as the story was shared at the ceremony. This provided a meaningful memento of the day and can be read often. Other options for readings are “A Lovely Love Story” by Edward Monkton or excerpts from “Oh the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss. These are stories the children will be able to relate to, that also share concepts appropriate for marriages.

My Love Will Find You
Childrens book used for reading as a wedding that created a blended family

Children of all ages can share in a Sand Ceremony ritual where different colored sand is blended creating a visual representation of the new blended family. Along this line I’ve also had family members each decorate a special stone or rock that is placed around a tree the couple has planted. If the children are of elementary age or older they can help with a handfasting ritual. They place ribbons across the parents’ clasped hands with each ribbon representing a wish for the couple and the family.

Family Sand

And lastly, gifts can be presented to the children to include them in this special day. Traditional gifts include necklaces or framed photos of the new family. I also had a new stepdad gift his stepson with a new hockey stick in honor of their shared love of the game. The more meaningful the gifts are the more they will connect with the children.

Blended Family

Each couple will decide how far they want to go in honoring new families at their ceremony. As with so many aspects of your wedding day, there are no right or wrong answers. Perhaps you want to keep the ceremony focused on your love and commitment as a couple. Or perhaps you want the children involved in many aspects of your ceremony and your wedding day as possible. Whatever choice you make, know that there are many options available to you, and working with your celebrant you’re sure to find ones that fit your situation.

Ceremonies to Remember: Involving Others

 in Blended family / Ceremony / Personalization / Rituals / Unity Rituals / Weddings  tagged blended family / memorable wedding / personalized wedding / wedding ceremonies / wedding ceremony / weddings by

Involving Others in novel ways in your ceremony shows your love and respect for them. This post is the third in the Ceremonies to Remember series where I reflect on some of the special moments I’ve experienced and some of the creative parts of the more than 400 ceremonies I’ve conducted over the last 10+ years. The previous posts focused on ceremonies I’ve done for family members and unique processionals.

Traditional ways of involving others in your ceremony include as bridesmaids and groomsmen, as ushers and flower girls. But some of the couples I married found unique ways to include those important to them. In one case the groom had a daughter who was about 10 years old. They wanted to include her in the ceremony to honor the new family they were becoming. A handfasting had been chosen as their unity ritual, and they chose to have his daughter actual wrap and tie the ribbon, signifying her support for their marriage. The cord was made extra long, so after the couple were connected, the daughter placed her hand on top of theirs. The cord was then wrapped and tied around the three hands, denoting the new family formed by the ceremony. It was a touching moment, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd.

Family Handfasting

A second couple chose to honor their parents in a way that also honored their heritage. Early in the wedding ceremony the parents stepped forward to present gifts of bread, wine, salt and a coin to the couple. Each had significance from their European heritage which was shared with the guests. The ritual also made clear the love and support the bride and groom were receiving from their new in-laws as they were welcomed to the family.

Parents gifts

The final example of involving others in a ceremony in a special way honored the bride’s Indian heritage. After the exchange of vows and rings in the western tradition, her grandfather presided over the Seven Steps ritual. This ritual marks the commitment the couple makes to each other as they take their first steps as a married couple. To make this moment even more special, he had performed the same ritual with his daughter (the bride’s mother) when she married nearly 30 years ago.

These three examples show how some thought, creativity and sensitivity when involving others in your wedding ceremony ensure that it will be significant and memorable for everyone. When you choose to have a ceremony written just for you there are nearly endless ways of involving others who are important to you.

Children in Your Wedding Party: Tips for Success

 in Blended family / Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony / children / wedding by

Children in your wedding party can be sweet and fun, if you plan appropriately and are willing to be flexible. Children will do as they please in the moment, but following these tips will increase the chances that the reality will match your vision:

1. Select children of the right age. If you want them to walk down the aisle independently (or with another child), age 5 or older is optimal.

2. If you choose to include younger children in your wedding party, consider having them walk in with a parent who is also in the wedding party, or be escorted all the way to the front by a parent not in the party. While this may be nontraditional, it may work best.

3. Have someone the children know monitor them as the wedding party lines up, so they can be whisked away in case of a meltdown. Additionally, have a familiar face near the front that the children can walk to so it isn’t a sea of strange faces.

4. Plan for the children to sit with family members during the ceremony. Little ones standing in front during the ceremony are likely to create a distraction for the wedding party, the guests, and you if they get bored.

5. Keep the children in your wedding party on their normal eating and sleeping schedules as much as possible.

6. Take pictures that include the children as close to the ceremony time (before or after) as possible. This minimizes the amount of time you expect them to behave and follow instructions.

7. If the children in your wedding party are your own or if both their parents are in your wedding party, have a caregiver in attendance to remove the children if needed. Ideally this is not a very close family member who will be unhappy if they miss part of the ceremony. A day care provider, babysitter or grandparents (but not your parents) are all good choices.

Even if you follow all of the above tips, remember that the children really are in charge. They will decide if they walk up the aisle… or if they run or refuse to move at all. They will decide if they toss flower petals, hold the sign facing out… or drop the ring pillow to the ground. They will decide if their faces are ringed in smiles, or smudged with tears. If you choose to have children in your wedding party remember to go with the flow and be prepared to deal with the unexpected. Sometimes the unexpected makes for the most memorable moments…